Colorado - Nebraska Game Disputed - Recount of Score Demanded
Lincoln Nebraska (AP) Gary Barnett and the Colorado Buffaloes are demanding a recount of the game Nebraska won 34 to 32.
"That field is just too confusing," said Barnett. "I'm sure that some of the touchdowns that went in the Nebraska end zone were meant to go in the Colorado end zone. This Nebraska team could never have scored thirty- four points. There's no way we lost this one. Colorado demands a recount."
Nebraska officials are calling Barnett's demand "outrageous". "They agreed to the size and shape of the field prior to the kick-off," replied Nebraska coach Frank Solich. "If they had a problem with the field, they should have said so before we started. You don't get to keep playing until you're happy with the outcome. Someone had to lose. We've scored over thirty points many times."
Colorado sent lawyers and their athletic director to Lincoln, where the scoreboard will be tested. Congressman-elect Tom Osborne will be there as well to oversee the process. "We are confident that when the points are re-totaled, we will win the game," said Osborne.
Nebraska also pointed out that Colorado has played at Lincoln many times. "They didn't have a problem with the facilities in Lincoln until they lost," said Osborne.
Outside the stadium, Colorado student protesters have gathered bearing signs such as "Colorado wants a fair game!". Students' thoughts echoed their signs. "All we want is a fair total of the points before we declare a winner," said student Karen Hays, a Buffalo from Boulder. "We need to proceed cautiously and not rush to judgment before we declare a winner."
In the third quarter, ABC had mistakenly declared Colorado the winner, despite a Cornhusker lead. Early in the fourth quarter, ABC backed off its prediction, saying the game had become too close to call.
College Football analyst Terry Bowden made the errant call and explained afterwards, "Early in the fourth quarter Colorado had the momentum and was about to take the lead. We were certain the Buffs would carry this game. We may have been premature with our prediction."
Notice of Revocation of Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".
2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.
7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 98.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. "Merde" is French for "shit".
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.
Thank you for your cooperation.